Hooptified

So yeah, my car totally crapped out on me. I think it's the alternator but we can't be sure. It may be the battery as well. One day it's fine and the next day the battery gauge is way over where it's not supposed to be. But the good news is, it's going to be fixed tomorrow, yippee! The weather outside is finally warming up! Thank goodness! It was like 65 here yesterday and it felt sooooo nice. But today it was close to 60 except it rained most of the day. I guess ya can't have it all. So, I watched the movie 2012 the other night. It was good but super scary, I think it's just the thought of that actually happening. I mean it has been prophecised by Nostradamus, the Hopi Indians, it's truly scary. I won't give too much of it away but in the beginning it starts with a 10.4 earthquake in California, and that just starts this huge chain reaction in the Earth. It's really good, but it's kinda on the long side. So, if you decide to watch it I would recommend setting out a pretty big chunk of time. It's like 2 and a half hours long. For all the Twlighters, New Moon comes out on June 30th, and there's already a trailer for Eclipse! It looks so good! Cannot wait to see it! I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to this stuff! Not too much else goin on in my neck of the woods so I guess I'm gonna wrap this up. Catch ya on the next one!!

Blah blah blah

Well, there's not too much going on down the rabbit hole today. Same ole stuff. The Nascar race was pretty interesting though. I think Carl Edwards should be fined and made to sit out a race or two. I mean being aggressive is one thing but when you flip a car intentionally that's a whole nother ball of wax. I didn't make it to bed until 5am this morning. My insomnia is about to drive me crazy, I'm tired of the same ole routine and I'm trying my hardest to break it! Trying to cut down on my nicotine habit as well, it's kind of getting out of control. I use the cop out that it's my nerves but I really dunno what it is. It may really be nerves but all I know is it's the only thing that makes me feel partially human. I kinda feel like I'm just here, like my existence doesn't really matter much. I usually say I'm God's yard gnome just here for decoration. That may sound bad, but deep down it's how I really feel......I'm off to finish my paper for school. Wish me luck!!

Whataya Want From Me?

Yeah that's my favorite song at the moment. Didn't think I was going to like Adam Lambert but I absolutely love that song! If ya haven't heard it it's definitely worth checking out. Oh, and for all you New Moon fans out there, it's out. It's at Blockbuster and I also checked NetFlix and they have it too! That totally made my day when I found out about it! I love, love love, that movie!
So, I know what you're thinking, is everything on the up and up? Well, not really. I'm still fighting to sleep, my nerves are pretty well shot, I'm smoking 2 packs of Marlboro's a day. Yeah, it's that bad. It seems like the medicine the Dr. gives me works for awhile and then it becomes like I'm taking Pez. That and I can't get in to talk to anyone because everytime I go over to Behavorial Health they tell me they're full. And I was like "What do I have to do to be seen lop my arm off in the lobby?!?" It's so frustrating. Living in a small town really sucks sometimes!
I spent 5 hours on the phone last night talking to my cousin I haven't talked to since we were about 8-9 years old. He's now 25 and I'm going on 27, so it's been a long time. It was a great chat, we got to swap "war" stories about our family and people we know. And it's kind of ironic that the more we talked the more we kind of seemed like the same person on the inside. It was like looking through the mirror. It was pretty cool though, just to have someone to talk to and not have to worry about them blabbing it to the neighbors. So anyhoo, I'ma wrap this up I have a ton of homework to do. Catch ya'll later!

Banana's

That about sums it up. I feel like I'm going banana's! This post is going to be kinda personal so please bare with me if I go into my rambling mode. So, I suffer from bi-polar depression and I also have anxiety issues. Fun fun! Over the past month or so things have started to get progressively worse. My doctor keeps messing with meds to try and find something that will work for me, so far no dice. So, my moods been on the foul side lately. I just don't want to be bothered.....with anything. I have absolutely no energy everything and everyone feels like they're riding on my last words. And the cherry on the top is I have people telling me it's all in my head. Yup, sure is. All in my head because I don't get to sleep until almost 5 in the morning and then I don't wake up until like 2 or 3 in the afternoon and I really don't even wanna get up then. I don't feel like doing a thing, my school work hasn't suffered so far. Thank goodness for that, that's the one thing I have to keep my mind busy with so I don't sit here and pick out every thought in my brain and drive myself crazy with it. It gets so tiresome having to deal with this day after day. And I've been having weird dreams. I lost my mom in 2007 to cancer, I took care of her non stop for 2 years and here lately I've been dreaming of her. It's never when she wasn't sick, it's always when she was. I don't know why that is. But everytime I dream of here I wake up with this like eerie haunted feeling. It's scary.
Too bad I don't have any lighter and brighter news. The only good thing that has happened this week is that it hasn't snowed. Although, it's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow, I think I jinxed myself. I'll be so glad when summer gets here. I'm ready to put the top down on the car and go cruising. I think that's one of my favorite things in the world, driving down the highway on a hot summer's day, top down and radio blasting, and just drive. Oh and I saw the greatest thing in the world today. Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward in the Twilight movies, has a new movie coming out. It's called "Remember Me." Omigoodness, it looks so good. And he looks just heavenly in it. I think it comes out like the second week of March, but I can hardly wait. And the new Alice in Wonderland comes out on March 5th. I can't wait for that one either, Johnny Depp is going to be awesome as the Mad Hatter. I love Johnny Depp he's the only actor who could make a complete and utter villain lovable. The first time I saw Public Enemies, I was like "swooon." No one could have played John Dillinger better, no one! I think about how cool it must have been to live in a time period like the 20's and what it must have been like for his love, Billie to be wrapped up in that kind of lifestyle. It was so glamorous. Well, it may not have been but the movie made it look that way, lol. Anyhoo, I'm off to walk the dog. Stay tuned for the next episode.............

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful!"

Yep, you guessed it, it's snowing again! This time we really got dumped on, we got a half a foot today and it's still snowing. I love winter weather, being stuck in the house with nothing to do but homework, sounds wonderful huh? But hey, I finally finished my research paper, I did it on the Health Benefits of Owning a Pet. The irony was that as I writing it one of my cats was sitting right next to me looking at the laptop screen like he knew it was about him. He kept looking at me like "Uh huh, you better make me look good." I thought it was kinda cute.
So Nascar is back on! Whoohoo! They were at Daytona on Sunday, it was by far the longest Daytona 500 ever! They were having problems with a big chuck hole in the racing surface so they kept having to stop to cars to patch it. But the good news is Dale Jr came from 10th to 2nd on the last lap. So, that made me really happy. He had a really rocky year last year and I'm hoping this year will be better for him. The Colts didn't win the Superbowl so Dale Jr has to do something for me this year! This year can't be a total bust lol! Other than that really not too much going on. My cousin got let out of the big house last week after 6 years. He's just writing and talking to this chick as long as he's been in there now, 2 weeks after he gets out they're getting married next month. I don't think I'll be going to the wedding just because I think marriage is a sacred thing and knowing someone 2 weeks doesn't justify marriage. But hey, to each their own. If it makes ya happy, go for it I guess. I think I'm gonna wrap this up. Hope everyone's stayin warm!

Superbowl=Colts Loss

So, as you can see I'm pretty bummed about the Colts losing the Superbowl. I keep trying to make up excuses to pacify myself, like the refs were biased or it was because Peyton wasn't utilizing Reggie Wayne. Anyways, they lost so phooey on them! By the end of the 3rd quarter I had already taken of my Dwight Freeney jersey and chucked it at the television I was so mad!
So, we're like in the middle of another snow storm, we got about 4 inches last night and this evening it was snowing and the wind was blowing so bad that it was basically a white out condition. Needless to say I will not be out at all tonight because I refuse to drive in the snow. People lose all their common sense when we get a little bit of weather, trust me I know. Yield in Indiana means there's room for you too!
Nothing much too interesting going on around here lately. I just wanted to let my frustrations out about the Colts and the snow. I'll be so happy when summer finally arrives! Then I'll complain because it's so hot! lol. It's a no win situation sometimes. Ah well, ya can't have it all I guess!

7 Pounds & Then Some.

So I just watched 7 Pounds with Will Smith and Rasario Dawson in it. Omigosh, it was sooo good but so sad! I would highly recommend seeing this movie. Let me give you the jist of it. It's about this guy who lost his wife in a car accident and he blames himself for her death because he was texting while driving. So, he becomes super depressed and takes his brother's identity who is an IRS officer. This is part of his cure all plan, he selected 7 people based on his own requirements. One of the people he meets is a woman in which whom he falls in love with, but she has congential heart failure and she's on the waiting list for a heart. They give her a beeper and when her beeper goes off they have a donor for her. Last night they were together, it was so sweet but so sad. He was so deeply depressed that he wouldn't pull himself out of it. See, his big plan was to find 7 people who needed help in a living changing way. And the way he changed their life was to take his, and donate his organs to them. He takes his own life and her beeper goes off, and my waterworks started! But such a good movie, I can't stress that enough!
Anyways on to some lighter and brighter news, my Medical Terminology class is kicking my booty! There's a lot and I mean a lot of work involved to remember all these terms and what they mean. And on top of it we have to translate doctor's orders into Lahmen's terms and write things in medical terms. I think all of this information is going to start leaking out of my ears pretty soon, there's too much up there spinning around!
So, we got some snow, and ice, then more snow. Sound like fun? Believe me, it made my day! Not really, I don't understand how when we get a little bit of weather people lose all common sense and they forget how to drive. I seriously think today was ride my buns day. That's what I've dubbed it as, ride my buns day, has a nice ring to it huh?
I'm trying to wait patiently for New Moon to come out on DVD but I think that time is intentionally going slow to torture me. And yes, I am a big Twilight fan. I'm on Team Edward for anyone who's wondering. You know what's funny though? I think Robert Pattinson is super cute as Edward but I don't find him attractive as himself, lol. Am I nuts or is there anyone else out there that thinks that too? When I went to go see New Moon in the movie theaters, of course it was jammed packed and I had to sit in the second row and tilt my head back to watch the movie, but I'm not complaining. It seemed like all the mother's came, when Jacob (Taylor Lautner) took of his shirt you could hear all the mom's going "OOoooo and Oooohhh." And I was like Gee whiz lady, you could be his mother and you're drooling all overself and my shoes! But it was an experience none-the-less.
I'm kinda frustrated with myself because I've been working on my novel for awhile now, but I can't seem to make myself sit down and write. I don't think I have writers block or anything. I just feel like there's not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I wanna do. I feel like after I get done running here there and everywhere I don't wanna do anything else. I think I'm getting lazy in my old age. You know how I know I'm getting old? When I sit down or get up I sound like a Rice Krispy treat. Everything snack, crackles and pops! Ah, well with old age comes wisdom, so bring it on! lol.
Anyhoo, it's close to 3 am so I think I'm stop my random ramblings and hit the sack. The weekend is near so everyone can breath out one collective sigh of relief. Write more soon, don't touch that dial!

Guitar Hero

Anyone else out there totally addicted to Guitar Hero, like I am? Omigoodness! I played it for the first time the other day now I'm completely hooked. Not only are my fingers killing me and my wrists hurt but it was completely worth it! It kinda makes me wanna dress up like a full fledged rock star and jump around my living room! lol.
I was kinda disappointed tonight because my Ghost Adventures was a repeat but it was for an hour and half because they showed extra footage. I know I shouldn't complain because it's just a show but I have all the way til next Friday to see if it's a new episode or not! Phooey on them!
Not a whole lot going on in my neck of the woods, really. I ran into my Dad the other day, mind you it was no some big to do. My dad has never been a part of my life and it was like after I turned 18 and I couldn't get him for child support anymore he started coming around. I know it sounds horrible but I think to myself, if he didn't wanna see me or care enough to try and see for the past 26 years of my life why have a relationship now? I mean, I'm not writing anyone off but I really just don't see the point in it. They have a son and a daughter which whom I don't know that well but they seem to wanna know me. I wouldn't mind establishing a relationship with them because I am an only child but that's the good thing I could see coming out of this.
Anyways it's late and I don't really have much to say. But please stay tuned for the drama that is my life..........

Trust

So, I guess what's been on my mind lately is trust. What exactly makes you trust someone? Is it something they say or some kind of mannerism? I honestly don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth trusting anyone at all.
See, for a long time now I've been slowing building this wall around myself. It's not to keep people out intentionally it's to protect myself from being hurt. But someone people precieve it was being sneaky or just being cold hearted. I hate to say this about myself but I have trouble showing people love. It's not that I don't want to, it's like some unconscious part of myself won't allow me to. I've had this motto for awhile now it's "Everyone I love, leaves." I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't some of my own doing? Some people I think are just unnaturally hard to please. I'm good person, I'm down to earth and yet there's always someone out there who tries to make me feel less than. I don't know if it's cause I talk with a southern accent, and I like to laugh and I use my hands when I talk. Somehow, I always feel like a round peg being stuck in a square hole. I think this is mainly why I struggle with myself. I used to always said if I just disappeared no one in the world would even miss me being gone.
And then there's my love for animals. I can't help it ok? I love animals. Someone people say the reason I have so many is because I'm lonely and I'm trying to fill some void inside of myself. That's not the reason at all. The reason I have so many is because they don't judge me. They don't think I'm ugly, they don't care if I'm a failure. At the end of the day, the most comforting thing in the world to me is to sit down and watch a movie and have a cat laying, purring in my lap. What's so wrong with that? Does that make me weird? Does it make me some kind of freak of nature? I look at that cat who's sleeping so contentedly on my lap and just purring away and think that that is the purest form of love in the world. My animals never fail me, they are always there. Maybe that's why I have so many.
I'm sick and tired of feeling so inadequate, and I know what you're thinking. "Well, it's only by your own doing." Maybe some of it is, and sometimes people have more influence over you than you know. I've never claimed to have everything figured out, but aren't we all made different for a reason? So, why does it seem like being different is such a bad thing? I guess, maybe I stick out more because I'm from a small town and you see everyone you know at Wal-mart. I don't know what it is exactly. All I know is I'm trying to make my own way. So, why is everyone trying to hold me down?

You know what I did today? Absolutely nothing! You wanna know why? Because I'm lazy but you know what? It felt really good! lol! It's been nothing but cold and snowy here since Thursday and frankly it sucks!
So I've been having some trouble sleeping here lately, so it gives me some extra time to write in my blog and get some things out of my system. Why have I been having trouble sleeping you ask? That is a very good question and I wish I had to answer to it but I don't. I haven't been going to bed until 5 am and I won't tell you what time I've been getting up. I don't sleep mainly because I can't get my brain to shut up, I just lay there and think of everything from A to Z and before I know it it's like 4 am. I've been going through some things lately and I think that has to be a big part of it. I've debated on whether or not to put it out there for the world to see and I thought to myself why not? Maybe someone else has been through something similar and can't help me sort out the pieces of my heart.
So, let me break it down in a nut shell the best I can. I was with this man for 3 years. 1 and half of those years we were together and for a 6 month period we didn't talk at all. So, we startred to talk again late last year and things we not very good, at least on my end. Oh, I forgot the best part he lives about 230 miles away from me, fun fun huh? So, during the 6 months of no talking he took upon himself to find someone "better." And that was all fine and dandy (not really) . So, after starting to talk again I was in total agony because he was with someone else and I had to play the "friend." Now, I was used to the drive, I could handle that. The one thing I couldn't handle was being "the other woman." Which is what my role inevitably came. I wasn't happy with myself for letting things happen that way, but I loved him so I dealt with it. The kicker came when he was going through one of his "break-ups" with his current girlfriend and I would come running because I believed that this time he was really gonna leave and we would finally be together. Yeah, that was a great thought, but it nothing more than a mirage. You know why? After traveling all of those miles, he left me in a hotel room to go back to her. Mind you, I was out in the middle of nowhere and I had no way to get back home. And no, I don't own a GPS. I was absolutely beside myself with anger. The next morning he came back and showed me how to get home. So, I was upset for a very long time and vowed that I would never go back up there again. Do you think that happened? Nope! Stupid me, he says he wants to move into together so what do I do? You guessed it, I packed up all of my stuff and prepared to move up there with him (because this time they had broken up for good). Guess what happens this time? He tells me, that he's changed his mind and he doesn't think it's a good idea anymore. Guess where I was? In the middle of nowhere with no idea how to get home. Now, before you jump the gun and say "Man, this chick is an idiot!" Let me tell you something, I believe in unconditional love. I never thought in a million years he had the capacity to do these things to me, but he did them. I never. ever realized how unhappy I was until I had time to reflect on these things. I'll admit it, I was stupid and I was naive, but I learned a very valuable lesson. I know now that I could have lassoed the moon for him and it still wouldn't have him happy. But trying to make him happy was killing me. So, it was a catch 22. Anyhoo, enough about my love life. It's really not that interesting. This was more like some sort of therapy for me to just blurt everything out that I've been holding it. So, I may write more tomorrow. Hasta Leugo!

Numero Uno

For starters, I don't speak Spanish, lol! But I just watched "All About Steve" with Sandra Bullock in it, and it was hilarious! If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest it. She's a kind of dorky girl who makes the crosswords puzzles for a newspaper in California. She's kind of a loner but a long the path of figuring herself out and chasing this guy around she finds out that's it's good just to be herself. I suppose I relate to her character a lot, because I'm pretty dorky at heart. I would rather laugh than cry and I always try to see the humor in situations rather than looking at the downside. But hey, that's just me! :o) So, tonight's episode of Ghost Adventures was really good, as always! They were in Clovis, California at an abandoned sanitarium. Truth be told, I love to watch the show (mainly because I have a huge crush on Zak!) but I really don't think I would have the guts to go into some the places they investigate. I would probably pee in my pants and run screaming in the opposite direction. However, if Zak was a member of my investigation crew I might be able to make it, I mean with having something to hold onto and all, ha ha! So, I learned tonight that my Writing Professor is a Man vs Wild fan, which is really pretty cool because everyone else either doesn't know what it is or just thinks I'm totally crazy for watching survival shows. But hey, when times get tough and I know how to make a fishing rod out my underwear and a stick, you'll thank me for that, lol! There's really not a whole lot going on in my neck of the woods, we got 4 inches of snow yesterday! Whoopee! Note my enthusiasm about the snow, it's pretty to look at but it sucks having to drive in it. The way I see it, is Christmas is over and the snow should be too. I just wanted a little bit of snow for Christmas and then I want it to be 90 degrees the next day. So much for wishful thinking, huh? Well, I'm a little bit of a night owl so instead of filling this up with off the wall thoughts that pop into my head I think I will save this for tomorrow night. So, see ya then!