So, I guess what's been on my mind lately is trust. What exactly makes you trust someone? Is it something they say or some kind of mannerism? I honestly don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth trusting anyone at all.
See, for a long time now I've been slowing building this wall around myself. It's not to keep people out intentionally it's to protect myself from being hurt. But someone people precieve it was being sneaky or just being cold hearted. I hate to say this about myself but I have trouble showing people love. It's not that I don't want to, it's like some unconscious part of myself won't allow me to. I've had this motto for awhile now it's "Everyone I love, leaves." I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't some of my own doing? Some people I think are just unnaturally hard to please. I'm good person, I'm down to earth and yet there's always someone out there who tries to make me feel less than. I don't know if it's cause I talk with a southern accent, and I like to laugh and I use my hands when I talk. Somehow, I always feel like a round peg being stuck in a square hole. I think this is mainly why I struggle with myself. I used to always said if I just disappeared no one in the world would even miss me being gone.
And then there's my love for animals. I can't help it ok? I love animals. Someone people say the reason I have so many is because I'm lonely and I'm trying to fill some void inside of myself. That's not the reason at all. The reason I have so many is because they don't judge me. They don't think I'm ugly, they don't care if I'm a failure. At the end of the day, the most comforting thing in the world to me is to sit down and watch a movie and have a cat laying, purring in my lap. What's so wrong with that? Does that make me weird? Does it make me some kind of freak of nature? I look at that cat who's sleeping so contentedly on my lap and just purring away and think that that is the purest form of love in the world. My animals never fail me, they are always there. Maybe that's why I have so many.
I'm sick and tired of feeling so inadequate, and I know what you're thinking. "Well, it's only by your own doing." Maybe some of it is, and sometimes people have more influence over you than you know. I've never claimed to have everything figured out, but aren't we all made different for a reason? So, why does it seem like being different is such a bad thing? I guess, maybe I stick out more because I'm from a small town and you see everyone you know at Wal-mart. I don't know what it is exactly. All I know is I'm trying to make my own way. So, why is everyone trying to hold me down?
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I can't tell you how many times I've fallen asleep in complete bliss with my cat purring on my lap. You're not a freak but, guess what, it doesn't matter even if you are. After my last relationship my mantra has been "No compromise". Plus, I deal with people jusging me all day long what with the long hair and sleaved out tats. You should never have to change who you are for anyone other than yourself.
ReplyDeletehi, no your not a freak, i also have walls built up. it seems like the people i love either leave me, die, or just leave me. i just think other times it's because i am too picky, but when you get your hopes up, or like someone, and then either purposely on maybe not on purpose they hurt you, and your feelings, it takes that much more to open your heart to a new person. and like he said above, maybe i like having my tattoos because not to many people want to get close, i guess they think i'm an ax murderer! :) the only person you have to please it yourself, and like michael jacksons song says, if you want to change, or i guess make changes in your life, you start with the person in the mirror. :) (i have been listening to a lot of mj's music on youtube lately)! just take care of you, and the rest will fall into place. god bless. sincerely s aka fangy
ReplyDeleteps. see you on the d/b! hope you've got your paper done, or are well on your way!